This is the space that I quietly tuck away moments that are hard to breath in, there is so much emotional pressure that I need to share in a quiet place. Today we will be taking our 16yr old boy, of the canine species, to the vet for his walk over the rainbow bridge. Fuck.
Haven’t ever been in this situation before. There were dogs on the farm, but they all died from natural causes or machines. Our boy has been a part of our lives, an intrinsic part of our family fabric. Not having children places him as a fur baby.
The boy is a small, thin framed lhasa apso mix. He has always been a unique character, independent and stubborn little shit at times, but a loving boy. He gives love but isn’t a cuddle bug unless he snuck onto a lap without getting any pets. as soon as he is pet, it needs to continue, unabated or he leaves. He is the boy that would follow me when I got up at night, only to be in the same room. He has a bounce in his step that looks like he should be on springs as his ears flap. His underbite is expansive, but it makes him look like he is smiling. He hates being cold and has a small wardrobe to assist him. Playing ball is more of a game of tag, happy to get the ball but you’ll have to run him down to get it back. He has dragon blood as he collects treasures and toys on his bed and protects them ferociously. Overall he is a happy boy looking forward to being with his people on the next adventure, but happy to stay in his heated bed.
So why now, why get to this person centric decision. The boy has always has some issue with his belly. Some of it comes from being a puppy and sucking or chewing off buttons on clothes that were graciously left for him. He would then pass them, all the way through that little body. The final button was around an inch diameter, and he painfully passed it. Regardless, the boy has had and continues to have belly issues. So why now? Why is this the last day. Over the last few months we have been cleaning up more and more poo in the house. He is getting more and more incontinent. He was licking ferociously his belly at night or after eating. That has minimized with antacids. He has been pacing at night and needing to go out. The pacing has become a nightly event, even after going out. His belly is causing him pain. He is constantly hungry, and not just begging for food scraps, he is crying for food when he sees it. This is ontop of being fed 3 to 4 times a day. The food is also now half home made and half soaked kibble. Even with that he is still loosing weight and hungry. So why today? Yesterday I came home to 4 piles of poo that all had blood in them. He has been having at least one episode of diarrhea a day for months. Yesterday there were bloody skids from his bottom in a couple of places also. He has had episodes of blood in his stool previously, and recovered. The problem is that most often now his poo is dark, half loose to loose and now this.
Tired of him suffering and selfish that we can’t cope with the increasing needs of this little guy that has been a huge part of our life. He doesn’t deserve to suffer and we also have to be able to cope. This has crossed the invisible line. We also made the decision that with his age we don’t want to go above mild interventions. Again a selfish decision, but we don’t want to see a deteriorating dog with a lesser quality of life. Because he can’t talk, we have to make that decision and it has to fit with our family also. Fuck.
Started to think about how a person gets to the point of making this decision about 6 months ago. Trying to figure out what needs to in place, how do we make such a horrific decision and then how will we live with ourselves after. How will I live with myself because I am the driving force, the maker of the appointment, and will carry the burden of this. Fuck, so what if he could of lived longer? What if this is a small blip? At this point in time, the changes are chronic and pervasive throughout more days than not in his life. Out of respect and love for this little being, we are taking him to the vet so he will not suffer any longer. He is and always will be loved.
So here the tears begin to flow once again. It is not easy, it is horrible to be in this moment. Why the hell can’t he just pass away peacefully at home…. I guess we invited him into our lives and we are now responsible for everything, including the end. Fuck